Closure

06.21.07 (4:04 am)   [edit]
I am back. After a long time, I am now in a position both mentally, physically and emotionally to be able to post. Last year, almost to the day, my brother and sister-in-law were robbed at gun point. We all thought that this episode was behind us since we had heard nothing beyond the fact that the perps were in jail. Two weeks ago, however, my brother and his wife received subpoenas to appear in the trial of the two guys who were charged in this crime. The past three days have proved to be very painful for us. I took my brother and his wife to the courthouse Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to testify and relive this horrible experience. After testimony from several police officers and the eyewitness testimony of my brother and his wife, the jury found the Defendants GUILTY of aggravated robbery. The gunman was sentenced to 35 years and his partner to 5 years. This was after witness statements from another victim and from other officers who found not only my brother's money on the perps but also approximately 48 rocks of crack cocaine on the gunman. The fact that the gunman bludgeoned his other victim and that he had a loaded gun on my brother proved to the jury that this was a violent offender and should be dealt with now and not allowed to be placed on probation. This is not as happy a time as you might think for me. I am the kind of person that would like to look for the good in people. It was hard to see the families of these criminals crying on the stand begging for another chance to change the direction these young men were taking. I really felt for them (the family members) but could not help but think how I could all too easily have been burying two members of my own family if these guys had decided to shoot and possibly kill their victims How can you reconcile your fear, anger, hatred and desire for vengeance with your all too human compassion? Is there a yardstick that you can measure these conflicting emotions against and come up with a satisfactory answer? All I know is that I am glad they won't get a chance to hurt or possibly kill someone while I wrestle with my own personal moral dilemma. --Lordashford--

Seasons

11.17.06 (1:15 am)   [edit]
Summer, Autumn, Winter and Spring. Of these, Winter is my favorite. Winter is the death of blooms, the death of the year and the death of all that is bright and sunny. Death is my obsession in this time of year. The summer and its life and self glorified optimism is behind us; Spring and its false hope and rebirth is yet to come. We are allowed to sit and contemplate our lives and try to find meaning in the detritus of our souls. We no longer have the luxury of sitting on our laurels, nor do we have the opportunity to dream of what we may become. We are forced to view our lives in the bleak light of a faded sun and hope we have set aside enough to see us through this dark and wonderful time. There is no "blue bird of happiness" nor is there "a light to shine our way", there is only us. Our soul and our self, sits naked before our eyes. Every blemish is clear and outstanding on our face. What are we, what are we to become? These questions are stillborn on our lips as we view what and who we are now, in this place and time. Reflection is a curse and a blessing. We grow when we learn from what we are, especially when we miss the mark. --Lordashford--

Nostalgia

11.03.06 (1:15 am)   [edit]
I miss my friends. I had a couple of friends I used to hang with quite a few years ago. Their names were Nora and Ernest. Nora was what I would call a "Lesbian Intellectual" and Ernest was what I would call an "Alcoholic Philosopher". We became friends at work, and continued our friendship beyond the workplace. I actually lived with Nora for several months after I wrecked my car. In our own special way, we loved each other. Ernest and I would go out and play pool and discuss everything from God to evolution, to the meaning of life to the current political climate. He and I were both well read and would discuss every book we read, from Gore Vidal to Barbara Hambly. I also felt that in a special way we were involved more than was "normal". Now don't think that either one of my friends and I were lovers, it went well beyond that. We laughed, argued, fought and enjoyed life together. We were like family. I miss them so much! I have lost track of them since I moved to Houston, but would give anything if I could reconnect with them. Have you ever had that kind of relationship? --Lordashford--

In the doghouse.

11.03.06 (12:43 am)   [edit]
Ok, I am officially in the doghouse. At least I have company in the form of my two Chihuahuas. My two dogs named pumpkin and latte love to snuggle up to us in bed and sleep all warm and toasty under the blankets. The only problem is that they are total bed hogs! They are small dogs that weigh no more than 3 pounds each and are maybe 15 inches from nose to tail. But, when they get in bed, they expand to what seems to be 500 pound 6 foot mastiffs. Tonight, it seems as if they expanded even beyond that. My wife woke up at midnight in a wrath because our babies had pushed her out of bed. She was pissed and was letting me know in no uncertain terms! Then, she went to the fridge to get a glass of tea, and she found the remnants of a six pack. A little background: my wife is a confirmed tea toatler. In the nine years I have known her, she has only been drunk 1 time. That time was when we went to an African American gay club to see an employee of mine perform in a drag show. Anyway, after she found my beer, she went back to bed with nothing good to say. Man, am I going to pay tomorrow! --Lordashford--

Assasinagtion of character

10.27.06 (2:29 am)   [edit]
Yes, I intentionally misspelled the title of this blog. I think that Ass is the right name for this issue. Can you believe that Rush, I am GOD, Limbaugh has the balls to say that Michael J. Fox is faking his disease? Do you think that that pussy that has abused drugs and has shopped around for doctors to fill illegal prescriptions is in any position to call anyone out? He is the last person to pass moral judgments on anyone. I have always hated that man, and I always will. He is so arrogant and full of shit! If I had the power to eliminate the pests of this world, it would be in the following order: Mice, roaches, fly’s, mosquitoes and Rush! --Lordashford--

A week in hell.

10.27.06 (12:20 am)   [edit]
Well, last week was another interesting week at Lordashford Manor. I was blessed to receive a loan that would allow me to pay almost all of my, and my wife’s, debt and have to make only one payment per month instead of fifteen different payments with fifteen different interest rates. Wow, great news right? Well there is never any good without bad. I went to make the deposit in my bank last Monday, only to be told that there were pending charges that would overdraw my account. Also, the funds from my deposit would not be available until Friday. I told the bank rep that the charges were fraudulent and there was no way I could be overdrawn. Of course, there was nothing they could do until the charges actually posted. She did, however, post my deposit with no holds so that the charges would draw out of that and I would not be charged overdraft fees. The next day I went to the bank and another charge was pending! The rep told me someone must have gotten hold of my debit card number since all the charges were done by phone. I had to cancel my card and get a new one issued and dispute the fraudulent charges. So, I spent most of the week dealing with that Then came Friday morning! Let me back up for a second. I was on vacation this week, and Thursday was my last day off and I was to go back to work Saturday morning and I generally don’t do much on Friday since I have to go to bed at 6 pm in order to wake up at midnight to get ready for work on Saturday at 3 am. So anyway, I thought, “it’s Thursday and I am going to have a few beers.” I drank a six pack and stayed up until 5 am when my wife left for work. I went to sleep and slept for 10 or 15 minutes when I got a call on my cell phone from my wife. Some idiot ran a red light and crashed into my wife’s car. Needless to say, her car was totaled and his was only slightly damaged. Of course, he had no insurance and no driver’s license. It was not a good morning. Later that day, we called our insurance company, went to remove all of our stuff from the car, went to get our rental car and initiated the claim process. It just seems that whenever we get a little bit ahead, something comes along to scotch the plans we have for trying to better our lot in life. Anyway, I hope we can deal with this since now we have to get a car and the resultant car payment is not in our budget; at least not if we want to buy a house in the next year. --Lordashford--.

Transitory lives

09.27.06 (3:33 am)   [edit]
I had some excitement the last couple of weeks at my apartment complex and in my city. A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on my balcony smoking a cigarette when I heard a loud bang. I thought to myself, "That sounded like a shotgun blast." A few seconds later, I saw a couple of young guys running past my apartment wrapping something in a towel. I woke my wife and we went out into the complex. We came across some other residents that had also heard the shot and seen the same guys running with the gun. We called the cops, but there was nothing they could do because they could not find the guys with the gun or anyone shot by the guys with the gun. Last week a cop was killed in our city by someone he had arrested. The media and local talk shows made a big deal because this killer was an illegal alien. Does it really matter that this guy was an illegal or a citizen or a homosexual or black or white or a Canadian or Japanese or anything? Would the cop be any less dead? It is terrible that he was killed and can't that be the tragedy? Why must we try to make his death into a political issue? His wife and five kids are without their husband and father because a man decided to kill, not because he was an illegal alien but because he was a bad person. Also, Tuesday morning saw my apt complex facing a scary situation. This morning we awoke to the sound of many emergency vehicles. The building next to mine was engulfed in flames! From 4:30 in the morning until 11:00 the fire department was putting out the fire in my complex. It was one of the scariest times in my life. One moment I was sleeping and the next I was worrying that the fire would spread to my home. Makes you think about how quickly you can go from blissful ignorance to deathly frightened.

Chat Rooms

09.08.06 (1:25 am)   [edit]
I went to Yahoo and logged into several chat rooms. God, what a sorry experience that was. When I started chatting in the late 80's and early 90's, there were at least real people reaching out to other people. Now, 99% of the supposed chats were automated bots about sex web sites. I was so angered that I think I will cancel my membership with Yahoo in protest. I wanted to talk with people who shared my interests and maybe make a meaningful connection. Guess that will only happen on my TBlog account! Is there a chat area that really lets you meet with real people and exchange real ideas without all that girls’ gone wild mentality?

This N That

09.06.06 (11:06 pm)   [edit]
It has been a while since my last post and I guess I just don't have much to say right at this time. I have been busy with projects around the apartment. I rearainged the living room and bed room furniture. I also refinished a dresser that was in desperate need of some attention. I want to convert this dresser into a dry bar, if I can get permission from my wife ;) Anyway, It would be nice to have if I ever entertain again. Working the weekends sucks!!!!!

GOD who?

08.30.06 (4:26 am)   [edit]
Not to be one who posts only to complain, but I am one who feels that it is important to tell the truth. My honesty is tempered with compassion though and I will not willingly hurt someone. If I feel that the truth might cause unnecessary or undeserved pain, I will rather keep quiet than say what is on my mind. That is why I believe that having this forum to express myself is more than a luxury and more in the line of a necessity. I can release the pain and anger that I feel in real life here and if you choose to read it, I can at least remove myself from the position of pushing it on you myself. If you read this and are offended, I can at least claim a sense of innocence as to your reaction by saying, "I did not make you read this!" Anyway, I have a big problem with people that use GOD or their supposed belief in a "Loving God" to explain everything and absolve themselves of any responsibility for their lives. They also use this to try and minimize your (my) life and the things that happen that they have no other explanation for in this world. I have a nephew that I can’t bring myself to have feelings for except to resent his even being on this earth. I hate myself for this, but can’t help it. My wife and I were unexpectedly surprised a couple of years ago with a pregnancy. It was not something we were planning, but it was the most phenomenal and the greatest thing in our lives it was pure happiness for us both. No one can understand what this meant to us. Both my wife and I bought baby name books and both of us started buying things for the baby. We didn’t know what sex the baby would be, but that did not matter to us. We were in the throes of ecstasy. I would at that time have gladly sung the glories and praises of a God that up to that point I did not believe in. Guess what happened in our second trimester. You get three guesses and the first two don’t count! Yes, we lost the baby. You know, it was not bad enough that we went through that, but I called in to work the day my wife went into the hospital and was told that I should have scheduled that day off in advance! I got written up for missing that day of work. The universe is nothing but arbitrary, there is no justice and God is dead in his heaven! Two months later, my sister got pregnant and I have to see my nephew and pretend that I am happy that he is here and my daughter is not. A son of a friend of mine who had undergone a spiritual rebirth just before this happened told me, “This is God’s will.” There was a reason why your child died and we are not to question why this happened. It was for the best.” I would have killed him if his father had not been there and if I did not love his father as a brother. What makes people think that they can get away with saying these things? I guess God make them say these things.

This N That

08.25.06 (1:42 am)   [edit]
Well, how can I write about how I feel? I am in a depressed mode. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor four years ago. At that time, I was given five years before I was blind or dead. My five year anniversary is up in February of 2007. How am I to look forward to the next year? My MRI's since have shown no major growth in my tumor, but I have not had an MRI since mid 2005. I can not face any more tests. I am scared and tired of taking MRI's every two or three months. I must be put under anesthesia for each of these procedures and I have heard that every time they put me under, my life is shortened and there is the risk that I might not wake up. What is more important, living the best I can or taking these tests? So far, all of the Dr.'s have told me that there is nothing they can do for me because of where my tumor is located. So all they are doing is making sure there is no further growth. My wife tells me that I need to talk to a psychiatrist. But, I can't afford that at this time, I'm afraid that by the time I change my deductible from my insurance I will be too far gone. I can sometimes not see and at other times I can't hear and this is frustrating to me and my wife. I sometimes wish that I could stay in my head whether this means that I drink myself into oblivion or if I can only be asleep until I die I don't know. Anyway, blessed be and be excellent to each other --Lordashford--

It's Friday, I'm in love!

08.11.06 (1:56 am)   [edit]
I'm sitting here listening to my Cure mix album. God never knew how healing and cathartic depression could be for me. Can thinking too much be bad? I have been retreating more and more into my own mind lately. I have been unfair to my wife in this regard. She has been trying to engage me in conversation and gets frustrated when I don't answer her and have to have my name called several times before I realize that she has spoken to me. The bad thing is that I have no idea where I have been and what has been going on during the time that I have been "away". I mean, if I was away in a pleasant place, I should know it, shouldn't I? Anyway, when I "go", I can spend several hours doing nothing but brooding about my health issues and I can't overcome the thoughts of my mortality. Death is interesting to me in that it is the final phase of life. No one knows what happens after you cross that final and inevitable boundary. One of my favorite songs from the "Indigo Girls" has the following line, "all that guards us is a single centerline And the brutal crossing over when it's time." The song is titled, "All that we let in." I always try to play the tough guy, but there are two songs that release me, one is the abovementioned song from the Indigo Girls, the other is "It's not easy to be me," from, I guess, Dawson's Creek. Anyway, Time to try to get back to the tough me and get out of my "mood." -- Lordashford--

Film Festival

07.26.06 (1:01 am)   [edit]
Well, my brother just wrapped up his fourth film festival. His annual “Pencilhead’s Dusk til Dawn Film Festival” was a great success again this year. He had over 80 films entered. The film makers and actors who were able to attend this year were really great. The audience had a good time asking them questions about the making of their films and all of the background questions that we can never get a chance to ask the “Big Time” directors or producers. My brother put this festival celebrating independent film makers together as a tribute to a friend of ours who would have had a great future in the field of the arts if he were alive today. It is always sad when someone of such talent and vision is lost, but worse if he is a friend that you have known for so many years. I think that my brother has made a good lasting tribute to our friend’s memory. I salute him for that. I sometimes wish I had the talent and vision that my friend and my brother share. I hope anyone reading this will take a moment and follow the link provided and look at some of the past winning films and the films that won this year. Hey, if you happen to have a film project or know of someone who does, please let them know or contact my brother through his site and maybe you can enter for next years festival which, given how the previous years have gone will be bigger and better than even this year’s festival. The link to his site is www.dtdfilmfest.com .

What the....?

07.21.06 (2:25 am)   [edit]
Ok, so I do everything that a modern "man" is supposed to do. I work hard for my money, I do housework (vacuum, make dinner, wash the dishes and do the laundry). But, this is not enough! What do women want? If I leave a dish in the sink, I get the fish eye from my wife, if I forget to put my clothes away after washing and folding, I get the fish eye! If for some reason I don't put my tray away within 10 minutes of completing my meal, I get the dreaded fish eye! Doesn't my housework count for anything? Do any other guys out there do and do and do but don't earn any points for their effort?

Misc...

07.21.06 (12:49 am)   [edit]
I just got back from visiting my family in San Marcos. It’s always an adventure when I go, if the continuing drama of my parents’ recuperation from their accident isn’t enough, I have the whole sibling rivalry to deal with. To give some background, my parents were in a horrible car accident the day after Thanksgiving 2005. My Dad spent 3 weeks in the hospital; my Mom was there for 40 + days. She had to undergo 5 surgeries and was given less than a 5% chance to live. Thanks to all the powers that be, she came through and survived. Just in the past month though, she had to go to the emergency room because of extreme pain in her leg. The x-rays showed that the metal plate the doctors had placed in her leg had broken. Now, she has to go in for another surgery in which they will remove the broken hardware and the 18 screws and place a new plate and god knows how many more screws and a bone graft and have her in a cast for 8 more weeks. On top of that, my Dad may have to go in for back surgery since an MRI found that 2 vertebrae in his back are crushing a disk and it is pressing on a nerve that is making it almost impossible for him to walk. Both of my parents are in unthinkable pain and I am filled with hate for the guy who ran the stop sign and caused the accident. My parents are living with my sister in San Marcos and it’s a situation that is getting very tense. My other sister, her husband and their two children also live in San Marcos. Since my parents are unable to just pick up and go visit with my youngest sister (the married one), she and her kids have to go and visit them. Lots of drama there, rest assured. My unmarried sister has a certain regimen that kids are just not a part of and my married sister has so many responsibilities that she tends to “overlook” some of the rigid rules my other sister has in her life. It tends to lead to some tense situations. All the while, we have to maintain peace for my Mom’s sake since she worries all out of proportion to the situation if she hears even the slightest raised voice. I live several hours away and can only visit every several months or so. It is almost embarrassing how my parents and sisters fight over me. I have to be councilor to the whole bunch. Everyone has their own problems that they want to unload on me and for which they all want solutions. I love my family, but how can I be everything to everybody? Well, just had to get that off my chest. I know (hope) everything will turn out ok for my parents and I can only stay positive. Lord I need a drink ;)

Death

06.02.06 (1:25 am)   [edit]
I know it’s morbid and I know it’s not usually talked about with friends, much less strangers. I feel, however, that I must talk about it or I will burst into so many fragments that I will never find myself again. On Monday May 29th, we had a fatality at work. I work at a distribution warehouse for a multi-national corporation. I work in the central receiving office of this warehouse. Many times, I will tell a driver that his cargo will be refused in its entirety and this prediction comes to pass. On Monday the 29th, I told my supervisor that someone was going to die! Oh, how I regret those words. I was angry that once again I was forced to do three times my original work-load. I was the only window clerk and had to check in drivers and do the keying and the shipping duties that should be done by three people. When you are faced with 20 over the road truck drivers all trying to deliver on time and also make sure that the dock manager is able to provide the level of service to each driver that is expected, you kind of lose your focus. I was angry and feeling a bit abused. My supervisor was making a comment about how I could handle the excess workload, when I said “I am going to kill someone today if I don’t get some help.” She said that one of the Dock Supervisors was complaining that I was overloading them with paperwork and I responded, “I told you someone is going to die today!” Not a half hour later, someone did die!!!! It appears that an order-filler was cleaning under one of the cranes, and either did not or forgot, to lock out tag out the equipment and was crushed to death when the crane activated. I have not been able to sleep without seeing that crane killing a fellow associate. I know many of the people who work on that side of the warehouse and I am hoping that the person killed is not someone I know. The worst part is that they won’t tell me who the person who dies is so I know whether to grieve for a friend or for a co-worker. Not that one would be less tragic than the other.

musings

05.26.06 (3:23 am)   [edit]
So I sit here at 3:00 am and look back at my life. Have you ever wondered what you will leave for the people and cultures that come after you? There are some people who when they die leave a mark. Of course, after a certain amount of time, they are as forgotten as the rest of us. Who can you remember as an influential person who has passed? Did you have to go back a decade, two, ten? Who did you come up with… maybe MLK, or maybe Kennedy, or maybe Einstein? Maybe you had to go back as far as Jesus Christ? Your parents or close friends don’t count unless they influenced or changed the world in some way. Anyway, I have lately been very concerned that when I pass, read die, I will not leave as much as a print in the sand of time. I feel I will be forgotten as soon as I cease to exist. What do you or I really matter in the great scheme of things? I have tried to be a good person, and I hope that my life has stood for something, but I wonder, how’s it going to be when I’m no longer there? I know that when I go, there will be people who will miss me and whose lives I have touched, but, I wonder, is it enough? Could I do more to make people’s lives that much better? Do I have that responsibility? Where do I end and where does my responsibility to my fellow man end? For most of my life, I have been a repository for the sadness and problems of family and friends. I have tried several different roles from being just a kindly ear for them to pour the heartaches and the joys of their lives to being the counselor that tries to fix every one of their problems. I have in my 39 years come to the conclusion that everyone is responsible for their own lives. This realization has not brought the stability and peace that you might think. I, as most people, continue to feel it is my responsibility to help as many as possible. Try as I might though, I still feel bereft when at the end of the day I am alone with my thoughts. I guess that we must all do the best that we can and understand that we enter this world alone and with nothing to our name, and we leave this life in the same condition. Anyway, so as not to end this post on a negative note, I leave you with the following quote, “Be excellent to each other….and, Party on dudes!”

What is our country comming to?

05.18.06 (1:39 am)   [edit]
Ok, so it's not enough that we are reduced to mindless automatons when it comes to ads. Now, I hope all of you out there have your papers in order. If not, I hope you have your microchips implanted or your barcode stamped on your foreheads. Can you believe that our fearless leader wants a pentagon Air force Colonel to be head of the CIA and, as if that is not enough, also wants the National Guard on our border? How far is this Militarization of America going to go, I wonder? If we are not careful, we are heading for a police state! I don't think that our domestic spying program has ever been under the aegis of the military and neither have our borders. I do not like the trend that is emerging and it is one that I think is dangerous and is a slippery slope toward the erosion and destruction of our civil and yes, human, rights.

Advertising

05.11.06 (12:41 am)   [edit]
I am amazed by the marketing strategies that have been used lately. In everything from food to cars, it seems that if a product will make you look like an idiot, it must be desirable. Have we fallen so low, that we can have an idiot as our leader, that we must emulate idiots to make us feel "normal"? Do you really want a candy, starburst, which would make you lose your friends just so you don't have to share with them? Do you want to eat at a restaurant, Arbys, which makes you so incompetent that you pass someone for their driver's license who will wreck a car just because you have that restaurant on your mind? These are just two examples of the LCD (lowest common denominator) type of advertising that really pisses me off. Why can't we appeal to the higher better part of mankind instead of the simplest and most destructive urges in us all to sell products? What do you think?